Second Time Around

By Al Martinez
August/September 2006

the children of our children (otoño 2003) state-by-state fact sheet for grandparents  (aarp.org)

Nicole is her name. She began living with my wife and me her senior year in high school, after she and her parents realized they all had exhausted the emotional energy required to continue living under the same roof.

We aren’t unique. In the United States, more than 2.4 million grandparents—nearly 425,000 of them Hispanic—are raising their grandchildren, according to the 2000 U.S. Census. We’re raising one, but sometimes it feels like more.

We’re a couple in our 70s who, for the past 25 years, has lived a tidy life without adolescents. Our three children have children of their own, one of whom is the artistically gifted, fiercely independent Nicole. After a conflict with her father and a stint in a foster home, she came under our care. Nicole’s parents live nearby, and she has always considered our house hers, too. We’ve encouraged that idea with our kids and grandkids; ours is the family home, the casa grande. But we were traveling in Russia when the break between Nicole and my son occurred, so the foster home had to be an interim stop.

Once she joined our household, evidence of her full-time entry was immediate. I came home from work one day and before I could even kick off my shoes, my wife, Cinelli, said, “I’ve got to show you something.” She led me to a bathroom where every drawer was half-open, and eyeliners, tweezers, lipstick, perfume, and facial cream were scattered on the sink. Then she led me to Nicole’s bedroom, where clothes, art supplies, and unidentifiable objects were strewn from windows to door. It looked like a hurricane had hit, but we don’t have those in Los Angeles. Observing the chaos, Cinelli said, “I wanted you to see the empirical evidence of a new teenager in the house.”

The AARP Foundation Grandparent Information Center
The following pamphlets are available in both languages by calling 888-OUR-AARP (English) or 877-MÁS-DE-50 (Spanish).
	Grandparenting: The Joys and Challenges (D17779 English and D17803 Spanish)
	GIC Voice newsletter (D15536 English and D18134 Spanish)

Teenagers, trapped between puberty and maturity, are propelled in all directions at once. Suddenly being called upon to raise one is the emotional equivalent of being dropped into another world, ignorant of its language and culture. Survival requires adapting to its ways.

We are being asked to understand, re-establish, and enforce a set of living standards we thought we had packed away years ago. We adore our “Teengirl,” but she requires a level of forbearance that normally dissipates at about age 50, when most kids have flown the coop.

Fortunately, compared to previous generations, today’s grandparents are in better physical shape. They are climbing mountains, running marathons, and living longer. Perhaps this new vitality is Nature’s way of giving us a mental firewall against the power of teenage girls’ shifting emotional nature. Teengirl can burst into tears because of a boy or the discovery that her shoes are all wrong. “I hate them!” spewed into the air while racing down a hallway sobbing is no cause for our alarm. On the other hand, her laughter can approach the intensity of a glass-shattering scream. Spotting a friend, she rushes shrieking as though she has recognized a long-lost sister.

Despite traits that confuse, Nicole brings many pluses to our lives. Her artwork is astounding, and her warmth reminds us of our daughters’. Because of the changing times, I talk to her about subjects I never would have discussed with my own girls: sexually transmitted diseases, drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, and cookies offered by old men in sports cars. We laugh together, but I make my points. Humor is essential.

For More Information...
Grandparent networks and intergenerational programs:
	The Foundation for Grandparenting
	Generations United

Books, magazines, TV specials, and websites offer no small amount of counsel on how to raise our children’s children. Considering grandparents spend an average of $500 on their grandchildren annually, it’s not surprising that advice is a booming market.

One tip I found invaluable comes from Christine Crosby, a great-grandmother and editor of Grand, a magazine created for grandparents: don’t hurt the relationship between child and parents by speaking negatively about the parents.

Cinelli and I are doing our best to heal the emotional wounds that divide Nicole and her parents. A tingle of triumph runs through me whenever I see them talking, and soon Teengirl will have two homes again, ours and theirs.

Nicole is now off at college, the School of the Art Institute of Chicago. She has learned the value of staying up late—not to talk to friends but to complete class projects. She is also learning how to manage her money wisely. She is realizing that if she blows a week’s allowance in a day, she may have to eat noodle soup the rest of the week. The schisms of growing up will be forgotten. But the year she graced our home will always rest gently among our memories.

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Read more inspiring and uplifting stories about grandparents who are also raising their grandchildren.

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